she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
