bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
