I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
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Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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