i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
