ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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