people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
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so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
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Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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