Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
