my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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