Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
