I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
