Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
