evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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