he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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