jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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