after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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