oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
