Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
