you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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