She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
