I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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