One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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