20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
