You're earring is so big in my mouth
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
