This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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