I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
