I think I died a long time ago.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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