Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
