I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
