Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish i was in the wii world.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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