I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
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