y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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