so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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