if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i drank out of a bidet.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
