you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
