it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
