Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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