i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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