Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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