I hate all girls vehemently.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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