If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
