he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
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Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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