Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
