drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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