I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
