Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
