miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
