I wanna passion pit in your ass
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
