Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
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Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
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My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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