Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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