so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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