someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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