Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
