Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
try to milk me bitch
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
