I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
