I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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